Saturday was Free Comic Book Day. I've never even tried to go to these events because they're loud, crowded, and set off my anxiety like nothing else. Two months ago, I was put on an antidepressant by my new gp to specifically deal with my OCD and anxiety. It's not perfect, but it's a whole lot better than it used to be.
On Saturday, I drove thirty minutes to my friendly local comic book shop and almost attended Free Comic Book Day. The reason why I didn't? It wasn't the crowd wrapped around the block or the small size of the store. It was the fact that it was a very sunny day, I was not wearing sunblock, and there was no shade where most of the people were standing. I didn't have my prescription sunglasses with me and it was way too hot to throw on the hoodie in the backseat for shade and protection.
I went home, downloaded all the free comics available on Comixology, and actually felt good about trying to be social just to be social for once. Sure, I would have written up something about the Free Comic Book Day experience at that shop (tons of cosplayers and my phone has a great camera), but it wasn't a work trip. I wasn't forcing myself to be ROBERT, Writer Extraordinaire just to get through a convention without collapsing into a corner and crying. I was just Robert, me; everyday, normal, regular me.
I haven't had to use the ROBERT character in weeks to survive in the world. I'm able to talk to workers in stores without feeling like I'm a burden. I can talk to the other people who work at the schools like I'm a peer, not a phony. My students actually see me smile and I don't have to run away when the lights come up in the theater to avoid the crowd of people who want to talk to the person who coached the theater kids on singing.
What I'm trying to say is this: if you need help with mental illness, get help. There is no shame in asking for help. It's going to be hard, especially if you're put on medication. There will be side effects. I wound up back in my gp's office because it felt like someone dipped my body in kerosene and threw a match at me when I increased my dosage for the first time.
You might not even wind up on the right medicine for you to start. I was doing fine on my first prescription, but my insurance wouldn't cover it so my doctor switched me over to the closest neighbor. That meant another few weeks of side effects that have finally leveled off. Instead of an occasional burning sensation from adrenaline, I get muscle aches from less exertion than I used to.
But, my mind is clear. I'm not ritualizing so much with the OCD that I can't get anything done in the day. I'm not staying up until 5AM because my brain won't shut up about all the bad things that could happen when I go to sleep. I'm not stuck in my bed for hours, dreading the start of the day and running out the door at the last minute to go teach music to minimize interaction with other people.
I'm finally able to just be me. That's worth more than all the free comics in the world.